Category Archives: Grand Theft Auto 3

I Told You We Would Celebrate, Didn’t I?

Dear GTA

Before we part our ways, I want to end it with a bang including “gunsgunsguns” and “giveusatank”, and surely we got one!

What you see in the picture, is me taking down a whole sidewalk. People will often try and stunt-jump away, but most of them got splattet out, and when I use that description, it’s because it matched the noise it made. I thought that was a bit gross.

This was a selfimposed challenge really: I wanted to try and play subversively, which means to not play in alignment with the intention of the game. I wanted both of us to go crazy and you to throw everything you had at me, but getting there proved to not be that easy.

As you know GTA, I killed so many people, pedestrians, any random vehicle in my way and lots of policecars …lots. If there was one thing you really loved doing, it was deploying innumerable swarms of policecars. But seriously GTA, they all exploded when they came in contact with my tank, it wasn’t even a challenge! Are you suicidal or something?

It only got a bit harder when you stacked up some barricades:

The SWAT team eh?

I also had a hellicopter chasing me at this point, which was also useless.

As the picture shows, I had four stars, but I wanted the full range, I wanted to see the complete artillery… you know, I wanted to be the Most Wanted person EVER!

But the problem was, I couldn’t get more than four stars, I went pedestrian hunting again, more policecars, more of everything I could think of – and nothing worked.

I successfully escaped every one of your nifty tricks to get me snatched, and little did I know that my demise would come in the form of the Village People builder.

Hey!? It was a moment of hesitation, my tank was almost standing still and this guy runs over and tosses me on the ground – must have been the money I robbed him a week earlier… hmmm..

Police quickly took me down after he pulled me out, and I never reached six stars. Do you not believe I can handle it?

I then decided to go hunt on my own since I now had all the weapons available.

The sniper was my favorite, one shot and they were dead. I also think the percieved safety of the distance made this form of killing work well with me. The picture above shows me headshotting prostitutes (I guess you would call them “my girls”), for absolutely no other reason than them being there.

Surviving on the streets while killing anything that moved, had me dead myself very quickly. You turned out to be quite efficient then, I must say. Or maybe I still need some training.

I didn’t particularly enjoy this form of play and although I didn’t really experience guilt about it either, it got boring really fast and felt quite empty, but I bet you had a blast!!

I told you we would celebrate your ten year anniversary, didn’t I?

Your mass-murderer-friend

- Ironyca Lee

The Thing is, I Have a Game Trauma

Dear GTA

I want to end it with a bang, to basically give going beserk a try. This will include a lot of killing, but before we get to it, there’s something I want you to understand.

I don’t know if I am excited or uncomfortable about the thought, probably just ambivalent. The “problem” is that when I play – so does my conscience, and this is not something I have a direct control of. Suddenly I just feel bad, it’s pre-thought and I’m left fiddling with words to describe how and why.

The thing is, I have a game trauma.

Let me explain: The Sims came out as a newborn a year before you did (in 2000). I still remember watching the ads on MTV with the catchphrase “Get a Life”, and I did – but I also took one.

In The Sims, you didn’t get a child generated from the gene pool of the parents as in The Sims 2 and 3. In the original game the only option of having children was adoption, and it was a completely randomized child. The personality traits were split into 5 sections: Neatness, outgoingness, activeness, playfulness and niceness.

When you made a sim yourself, you had a total of 25 points to spend on these traits, but children, whom were generated by the game, could have both less and more. Most often I seemed to get excellent children with very high scores.

… But this one time, I got one with really low traits, she was not nice, not playful. She also had a grumpy looking face and I was thoroughly displeased and felt my promising family had been ruined by this recently inserted evil child.

So I decided the solution was to kill her, forget about her and adopt a new child.

I knew of several methods to kill sims in the game, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put her in a room and have her starve to death, I needed something quicker and cleaner… this sounds soo wrong. *Cough*. The truth is, I had never killed a sim before, let alone a child-sim.

So I made a pool in front of the house, named it “The Trap” and made her jump in. I removed the stairs and hoped she would drown fast. Instead I watched in terror this child swim around the pool for what was probably a few sim-days, all meanwhile the parents went to work and did a lot of other mundane things completely contrasting the horror going on. I was constantly in doubt, but kept to the plan.

What I had forgotten was the hauntings dead sims will do, and thus the evil child scared me one dim evening, appearing as a ghost accompagnied by a shivering sound, walking aimlessly through the walls just to dissapear shortly after.

I knew about this feature but had forgotten, and now I was paying my dues. I had thought her death was insignificant to me.

The guilt.

I know this sim-child was not real etc etc etc, however this didn’t stop me from feeling bad about it. So I hope you are aware, that when we soon plunge into a moment of insanity together, it’s for the sake of this experiment. Maybe I’m testing my limits, maybe I’m testing you.

See you soon.

- Ironyca Lee

Whatever GTA… Whatever!

Dear GTA

We ended on bad terms last time. I got upset and stood you up. Well, I pulled myself together, came back, took the next mission and failed again. Thanks a lot GTA… thanks a lot!

It was a horrible mission, which for the first time had the cops involved. Man those little buggers drive really fast and come out of nowhere. I ended up surrounded, tried to run for it and they started SHOOTING at me! I only had two stars and they were shooting!? I thought they would just catch me and put me in their car, but nuh-uh no mercy for me. Needless to say, I was in shock. So yeah, I failed, but pulled it off the second try while sitting completely errect staring wide eyed into the monitor with a cold sweat… like participating in a Milgram obedience experiement.

Then you said to me “Hey, there’s a car race down the road. Get yourself a really fast car”. I have no idea which cars are better than others, I mean.. I can feel the difference in max speed, maneuverability and sound, but nah I can’t tell from just looking at them. It’s the same with guns, are they better the bigger they get?

Loggy told me where I could find the fastest car in the game, of course my face lit for a while, which is a lot for someone who’s not an engine enthusiast. And the fastest car was indeed fast and had a deep wroom to it, so the equipment didn’t fail – but the driver did, and GTA you even told me right up how much I sucked:

“LOSER” – Thanks a lot GTA… thanks a lot..

As usual I managed to bump the nice car instantly after getting it, I just can’t keep the cars undamaged, and it really annoys me. With all this pressure and fail, I nerdquit, drove the car off a hill, into the water and watched myself get “WASTED”. Whatever GTA.. whatever!

And that’s where my fair play ends, you see.. I’ve got a trick up my sleeve. You think you can just laugh and call me a loser whenever I fail, well listen up GTA, I know your secrets! Yeah, that’s right, I’ll cheat so I can try out the best guns and even your tank, and you can’t stop me!


Your Grumpy Friend

- Ironyca Lee

Does This Make Me a Thief As Well?

Dear GTA

I’ve been thinking… when you chose to morph me into this black leather jacketed unknown criminal who’s got beef with his ex, was it because you didn’t want me to become part of your world? Because, I can see why. You want to show me Liberty City, but you know that life on the street is tough.

On Head Radio, Conor & Jay sings:

“Forgive me, but I didn’t do anything wrong
So sue me, if you think I changed your happy life
Forget me, if you don’t think a friend is right
Your enemy, has always been your innocence”


I started out trying to play nice. I told myself that I wouldn’t do bad things, unless I had to. That changed quickly… I still yell out apologies when I drive badly, hit people, bump into other cars or even steal them – GASP! But I wanted to see how nice I could play, and you bluntly told me to the tune of the music – “Don’t even bother”.

“Nothing stays they pass you by
if you don’t change, if you don’t change”



So I faced the fact and started out trying to “earn” some cash. The very first money I earned on my own, was by theft, in a way… The thing was, I was walking happily down the road when I saw some violence further ahead.

Looked like someone beat up the gay builder from the Village People and then he got mugged …by me …don’t look at me like that GTA. It was too tempting, the money… it was right there, and I’m just some scrub, so I took it. I then figured that if I hung around this area, I could keep snatching wounded or dead(?) people’s money without having to do the hard crime myself – awesome right! So I earned a few dollars this way.

“So tell me, will you always be the same
or maybe, kick yourself and play the game
you ask me, what it is you’re doing wrong
you hesitate, standing there when you should run”


I quickly got bored, and the traffic became a mess as the paramedics arrived, so I left the scene. Walking around downtown I spotted this man running, he looked like me, except a bit more hood. I started following him and caught him pickpocketing some random guy. So I beat him up, I mean.. he deserved it right? Then I took his money.. and the money he had stolen … what do you think GTA, does this make me a thief as well?

This little mini game amused me well for a while, especially when the pickpocket-victim spun around and started hitting the thief too. They never picked up their own money after we in unison took the bad guy down, so I assumed it was my prize?

“Nothing stays they pass you by
if you don’t change, if you don’t change”



I later sought out another way to earn more money, which of course involved the advice you gave me, GTA:

I actually found an empty taxi during a mission, however it was at the outskirts of the city, and it would take a while to run there. So I took another step in your direction and just stole one. Of course, this took some learning – the indian taxi driver quickly pulled me out of the car and began teaching me a lesson, or well… he just started punching me. So I freaked out and ran, but he kept running after me. I then found another taxi, with another indian driver in it (the cousin?) and pulled him out too, but as I was too slow to get into the car, both drivers were now hitting away at me. I made it in and hit the pedal. You made me very stressed there GTA!

The next while I did a few taxi missions, picking up random people dropping them off at random locations. This was highly enjoyable, I could listen to Head Radio and relax. I’m not a very good driver though, and when I noticed that the taxi missions were under a time constraint, it wasn’t fun anymore, and I was back to hazardous driving – man I suck at that!

I even had customers fleeing my car before it and myself blew up. I take it you needed some more action, huh GTA? Oh well, you popped me back outside of the hospital, charged me a fee and I was off again.

“Cut your hair change your look
see the world write a book
close your eyes see the light
change your ways
every night”

After having fiddled around town for a while, earning petty coins, I decided to try on another real mission. You told me to get this guy’s car, take it to get a bomb installed, put it back and watch the explosion. The whole thing was to be done in like 5 mins. Unfortunately I scratched the car, of course, whereafter you told me to go and get it repaired. I did that, but time ran out.

I was miffed, I hated you at that point, what’s up with that stupid time limit? It makes me uncomfortable and stressed, I can’t enjoy the driving then. To proceed I had to do the mission again, you didn’t penalize me, instead you acted as if nothing had happened and I started the mission from scratch again – while pouting of course.

After this incident, I found it hard to come back and spend time with you. If this pattern of fail continues, our friendship will not last beyond the designated 3 weeks, no offense.

Your friend under pressure

- Ironyca Lee

I Should Have Seen It Coming

Dear GTA

I should have seen it coming. You insisted I’d be a guy, wearing a leather jacket, looking all tough. You keep me completely anonymous, I don’t even have a name.

It has now become clear to me, that our friendship will never become more than that – you’re clearly not into girls!

Your sceptical friend

- Ironyca Lee

Now That We’ve Met, I Guess I Can Call You GTA?

Dear Grand Theft Auto

I went to the library today, I actually didn’t think you were the type to hang out around books, ‘cause you’re different, you’re a game.

But you were there! So I took a picture of us shaking hands.

I realised you had your own fancy section, where you and the rest of the gang were chillin’. What I didn’t know was that most of your pals were soldiers.

All of you came across as serious business, I mean …Pegi ratings of 18+ for most of you. Also Grand Theft Auto, you had this red box above your title (you can see it on the picture of our first meeting) stating that you had:

Extremely violent content! Should neither be purchased nor used by people under the age of 18. (my translation)

Your cover was done in a cartoony style, I liked that, but there was an abundance of weaponry and fire and explosions and cars and helicopters and …is that a flying boat? I mean, every single person on your cover was weilding a gun – except one… he was holding a bat…

It looks like I meet you in your third incarnation, you like to reinvent yourself once in a while, to stay at the forefront of things. In your industry, it’s all about getting better, faster, wilder every year, so I understand your POW, WROOM and bling bling. I hear you’ve done it again, you’re on to your fourth go? Anyhow, I’ll have to do with your old self from 2001. That’s a 10 year anniversary (wow that’s old), we should celebrate!

Now that we’ve met, I guess I can call you GTA? MC GTA the Third, yo!

Your new friend

- Ironyca Lee

My Parents Would Call You Bad Company

Dear Grand Theft Auto

I havn’t met you yet, but our first meeting won’t be as most people think, when I click “play”, but rather when I pick you up at the library tomorrow, unless someone else is taking you out.

Don’t take offense, but I will give you the elevator look, to see if you’re my type to begin with. And I admit, I am not very fond of your type of game, meeting and hanging out with you, will be a challenge to me. I know this because I’ve heard about you before. You’ve made quite a name for yourself, not to mention all the rumours.

There’s certain “qualities” of yours which I don’t appreciate as much as other players do. You like guns and violence and I’m scared that you’ll have me shoot or beat someone up. My parents would call you bad company.

On the other hand, I’m looking forward to your sandbox, I like sand – lot’s of it! I also like that you’re in third person, it’s my favourite.

See this is why I’m giving you a chance, this is why maybe I can be friends with someone like you. I havn’t googled your name yet though, so I havn’t read through the dirt of your old enemies calling you out on your bad style, your low morals or whatever people have on you (but I will soon).

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!

Your soon to be friend

- Ironyca Lee